The Best Thing I've Ever Done

I have always had a consciousness, awareness and relationship with God.

My earliest memories (from about the age of three) are of Him.

We hung out together all of the time.

And while with Him, there was nothing I couldn't know, nothing I couldn't do and nothing to fear.

He was my best friend.

But as time went on, as I grew and as people began to have an influence on my life, things began to change.

Other children laughed at who my best friend was, others rolled their eyes, and Sunday School teachers told me how I was supposed to view God and that He only hung out with certain people.

They "taught" me all of the things I had to do in order to be pleasing and acceptable to God.

I became task and works oriented, concerned about what people thought of me, a people-pleaser and obsessed with following the rules.

I became fearful of never being good enough, doubtful that I ever did anything right, suspicious of other people's motives, and skeptical of ever being able to accomplish anything.

By the time I was sixteen I was exhausted.

Up to that point I had always treaded lightly, followed the rules, got straight A's in school,

highlighted and memorized most of my Bible and was in the habit of making sure that those around me were happy (at least happy with me).

A little before my sixteenth birthday I met a man.

He was older, a bit unconventional and he made me laugh.

I was comfortable being around him and he encouraged me to be myself.

After I turned eighteen, this wonderful man and I married each other and have lived in marital bliss ever since.

But wait. The story doesn't end there. In fact it's not even the point.

To make a long story short(ish), after more than a decade of marriage, three children, some ups and downs, and a series of events, I began to examine myself, got to know myself a little bit and began going through some changes.

Then after a few more years, the hubby and I packed up everything and moved to another state, another culture in fact, and that's where things really "got real".

The term "soul searching" only scratches the surface of what I went through.

After several years of pain and anguish (mostly inflicted by others),

one day God (finally-ha) said to me, "Throw out everything you have ever been taught about me and allow me to show you who I really am".

So I did just that.

I threw out every preconceived notion, every rule, every sermon, every story, every theology,

every everything that anyone had ever "taught" me about God and allowed Him to speak and act freely and directly to me.

And it is the best thing I have ever done.

Gone is the guilt, fear, shame, doubt, suspicion, skepticism, judgementalism, self-loathing, caring what other people think, etc.

I am free from all of those things.

I am free to know and be myself.

I am free in my relationships with others and in my relationship with God.

I am free to live.

It has been several years now and I have just realized that I am back in that place, as when I was a little girl, where I have real, complete and honest freedom with and access to God; a place of peace and rest; that place where I know that there is nothing to fear and that absolutely nothing is impossible.